when somebody loved me

"When somebody loved me...."

I stare out my window, looking at the falling rain. i have a theory about rain, it washes away all the dirt, the pain. i guess my theory is correct. the rain washed away my pain, but along came new pain. the new pain was more unbearable, slowly eating my soul away. chewing, bitting and swallowing in slow motion. it was agonizing. but what choice did i have? but to bear it and hope for the day when it would all end.

it's too hard for me to think about it, i know that was wrong. not thinking about it made it worse. but i was and always will be a coward. i could never face my problems in the bull's eye. i always just left my problems hanging, hoping against hope that it would all turn out right. it usually worked. but not this time, it did not work this time.

i remember that day very well. it was after school. i was waiting for my parents under the bus stop. it happened to rain on that day. later i heard the newscasters say it was a phenomena, rain that was so heavy in the middle of the drought. i was staring at the rain drops, sliding down the side of the bus stop. it was so pretty, so magical. that was what i thought then. then my view was blocked. i looked up into the face of him. he looked like an angel with light streaming out from the sides of him.

i was in this on off relationship with a boy i liked. it could be said that i was a lucky girl, i managed to 'snag' the guy i like without any effort. it was one of those love stories you know, there's always that like that goes ' the first time i laid eyes on him, i knew he was the one'. my situation was similiar, but the way we met was what convinced me. we met at a camp. one of those camps that you know you'll never ever see those people again so you might as well let yourself go? yeah that kind of camp. i really let myself go. it was a once in a life time experience. and i had a great time.

the boy and i hooked up. turned out he was transferring to my school. i was scared. don't know scared about what, but scared about the whole thing. the day he stepped into school, it could be said the popular girls took one look at him and started drooling. but he did the unheard thing, something that nobody would have even expected. he sat with me. he sat with me during break, during assembly. it was like he became another half of me overnight and we were almost inseparable. everybody was shocked. i was 'uncool', a typical half asian girl studying her way through high school. i didn't have any particular best friend. more like a group of girls that i hung out with sometimes.

suddenly, everybody noticed me. if i wore something nice, somebody would compliment me. i was shocked. it was very bizarre, makes you wonder what kind of world this has become if one person was only noticed because she has a relatively handsome boyfriend. i didn't care though, i still carried on with my normal routine. that's what he said he liked best about me. fame never got to my head. he liked a lot of things about me, i liked a lot of things about him. we complimented each other. especially those moments when he would look into my eyes and say he loves me. the passion burning in his eyes then was what made my heart beat faster in my chest.

there's always bad when's there's good. so it was true. i couldn't concentrate on my studies. he was always hanging around, distracting me. sending me sms-es. he was committed, i wasn't. i made that life changing decision. i broke it off. i can still remember the anguish in his eyes, the hurt, the suffering. it still haunts me in my sleep. i sometimes regret that decision, thought that if i had done it differently would anything had been different?. i know now that i will never know. i slowly faded back into the background. people started to ignore me again. i told myself that this was for the better, but this time i couldn't convince myself. he went out with other girls, never with the same girl for more than a week. everytime we locked eyes i would turn my head away, embarassingly red up to my roots. i didn't like confrontations.

back to the bus stop. i hadn't been this close to him for a year. every time i would just pass him. he stood in front of me. i tried hard to ignore him, but to no prevail. he still sent my heart racing in my chest. he stared at me coldly, hatred lined the grim line that his mouth was set in. he still looked as good, maybe a little thinner. he started talking to me. i answered, i had never been able to resist talking to him. hearing that deep and calming voice. but his voice was no longer calming. it was cold, stiff, just like the rest of him. it was very awkward. finally he asked me, he wanted to try another time at that relationship. i looked at him with hope in my eyes.

it was like i was staring at another mirror. i could see that hope in his eyes too. i didn't hesitate at all. i nodded like a mad fool, i couldn't stop nodding. tears were brimming my eyes. he reached out to hug me. that hug felt so familiar. his arms could circle my whole back, pulling me close to him. he rested his chin on my head and said he loved me. i replied him, giving him the answer that he wanted to hear the most. i told him that i loved him too. it was too surreal, too fairytale like. but i didn't care, i was happy to go along with the flow.
he let go of me. stared me straight in the eyes and got up to hail a taxi to take him home. he promised to call me that night.

suddenly. suddenly. suddenly.

he fell. slipped and fell into the middle of traffic. the cars swerved, trying to avoid his body. but to no avail. he was crushed. i cried out. ran to his body. hugged him close to me. burrying my face in his hair. now i knew why it was so surreal. it was never meant to me. it was chaos around me. but all i heard were his last words...

'when somebody loved me'.

he said those words with a smile on his face. then he slowly began to fade. i begged him to stay, it wasn't his time yet!. but he still went. the sound of sirens approaching, the sound of people shouting, the sound of rain around me. none of it was heard. all i wanted to hear was his voice again, telling me that this was all a dream. but it was not to be...

he and i had a song. it was the toy story song ' when she loved me'. we both loved it. loved the line when somebody loved me in it. because we did have somebody to love us, we had each other. now we did not

i wiped a stray tear from my eyes. angry at myself for thinking about him everytime i saw rain out my window. but i couldn't stop replaying our song on the radio...

'when somebody loved me'....



P.S. loll. i was bored so i decided to write laa. haha. so sue me. give comments please. bad or good also can. lol

xoxo
joanna